This Time
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: [sanadayagyuu] weirdfic written for Halloween -- this time, I'll get you, I swear.


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This Time

Outside, the moon was full. He was shivering in a corner of his dark house, so he couldn't see it; but he knew that it was full. He wished that he could go out to see it, but he was trapped, he couldn't leave -- he couldn't even move.

He knew terror well; he was familiar with the way it twisted at his insides and made him cold all over. He knew what it was like to live every moment fearing death -- and he also knew what it was like to finally give up and stop caring whether he lived or died. He had been made worthless; he had no value left to speak of. Why should he bother trying to stay alive? No one would care, not anymore.

"Why are you hiding from me?"

Did he really have to answer that question? He was hiding to try and make the pain stop -- the pain he had come to rely on. He didn't want to rely on it; he was losing himself, becoming that worthless thing that he was starting to so often think of himself as --

"I won't bite. Come out to play."

Of course he wouldn't bite; he wasn't a vampire.

"Why are you afraid of me?"

He was afraid of that person because of the nightmares he had every night; because of the pain that ruled his life. He was afraid because he didn't want those nightmares to come true, and he didn't want the pain to start in reality; it already ate away at his mind -- he didn't want to lose his body.

Then again, no one would care if he died.

"Go away," he whimpered.

"Why?"

"Just go away." He was left alone in the dark corner, whimpering -- while the moon was full outside and he couldn't leave to see it.

In the daylight, everything was different.

"Genichirou!"

Sanada was startled by the voice in his ear. "Renji. Why are you screaming at me?"

"You were ignoring me, even though you were looking right at me?"

"I didn't see you." That was true enough. Sanada was far too tired to focus on anything this morning; he hadn't slept very well last night -- but he wasn't going to dwell on that, not right now.

"You need to get more sleep," Yanagi said. "You've been acting strangely in the past few weeks. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." That was the complete truth -- in the daylight, nothing was wrong. In the real world, he was fine.

"Even your tennis has been suffering, Genichirou. You weren't even this bad in junior high."

Sanada just grunted in reply to that. He knew that his tennis was suffering, but he couldn't help it. He just didn't have the energy these days.

"We've known each other for quite a while. Can't you trust me enough to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing is going on." Sanada wished that Yanagi would leave him to change in peace.

"Genichirou, I think --" Sanada didn't hear any of what Sanada said after that. He was too busy trying not to notice a certain presence behind him; too busy trying to pretend that in the daylight, nothing that happened in a darkened corner of his house mattered. Here at school, during tennis practice, they were just regular high school students --

"You're ignoring me again, aren't you Genichirou?"

"I'm sorry, Renji. I'm just tired," Sanada said.

"Then get some sleep tonight. I'm worried about you."

For a moment, Sanada wanted to tell Yanagi everything, just to get it off his chest -- at least Yanagi cared. There weren't many people in his life who gave a damn. In fact, did Yanagi even care enough that he would be upset if Sanada died --?

"Seiichi was asking about you last night. Why don't you call him anymore?"

Yukimura -- he missed Yukimura. Yukimura might still genuinely care about him, if Sanada hadn't just discarded him like that. He couldn't stand it, though; talking to Yukimura, who was miles and miles away, knowing all the while that he was a dirty disgusting bastard and that Yukimura was an angel who shouldn't have his presence corrupted --

"I don't have anything to say to him," Sanada replied. He loved Yukimura dearly, and he wished that he'd never moved away -- maybe none of this would have ever happened. Maybe Sanada could have been happy.

It wasn't Yukimura's fault that he was gone, though; it wasn't Yukimura's fault that Sanada was ruined.

Sanada felt a hand on his shoulder, and he froze.

"What do you want?" he asked, roughly.

"You dropped this."

Sanada took the piece of paper, trying to restrain his hands from shaking. He knew he hadn't dropped anything, but he couldn't say that out loud, not while Yanagi was watching.

He couldn't help but read the note, and it made his skin crawl; why were the things in his nightmares starting to happen?

He didn't want those nightmares to be real, but they must have been --

"You can move your hand now," Sanada growled.

Yagyuu laughed, and withdrew. "Sorry," he said.

__

I want to suck all the blood out of your body and make it my own. I want to know how it tastes; I want to know its warmth.

I want to break you into a million pieces and scatter them on the wind. I want to laugh while you disappear; I want to catch only a few of those pieces and spread them over my body, to remember what you felt like against my skin.

Someday, I want to kill you -- but I want to play with you first.

He was shivering in his dark corner again. The figure loomed over him; it was laughing at him.

"Don't you want to come out to play?"

"Go away," he whimpered.

"Not tonight. Tonight, I want to give you a taste of what you really want; that's what these notes are really about, aren't they?"

"Go away!"

"No. We both know how much you want this -- you know how much I want this, don't you?"

"No!"

"Come and taste me."

In the daylight, scars still did not fade. The amount of light made no difference in how much it hurt.

"Genichirou, you look even worse than yesterday."

Sanada just shrugged.

"You should take something to help you sleep, or maybe even see a doctor."

"No." Sanada knew why he couldn't sleep, and he knew that sleeping pills and doctors would not have any effect on it whatsoever. There was only one way to end his pain and that would be to die -- but who was going to kill him?

"Genichirou --"

"Just leave it, Renji," Sanada said. Yanagi would be better off not knowing. Yanagi would be better off if Sanada were to disappear -- Sanada didn't want to contaminate his soul, either. Yanagi was an angel, too; there were so many angels, and Sanada couldn't be one of them, because --

"Sanada."

Sanada turned to face Yagyuu; Yagyuu, who always smirked at him when he passed. Yagyuu knew his secret; Yagyuu knew everything about him. Even in the daylight, Yagyuu knew.

"Yagyuu."

The two stared at each other for a long moment, and the silence threatened to drive Sanada insane -- but that was impossible.

"How did you do that?" Yanagi asked. He was referring to the bandage on Yagyuu's arm; why was it there? How had he gotten injured?

Sanada knew.

"I had a little accident," Yagyuu said. "I'll see you both later."

"Yagyuu's also been acting a bit strange," Yanagi said, thoughtfully. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sanada replied. "He's not the reason I can't sleep."

"I didn't think he was."

Of course not. Who would relate the two of them?

"I like it when you write those notes to me. I like it so much, I get so excited; why haven't you tried to taste my blood yet?"

"No, don't make me do it, I don't want to --"

"Hurt me, Sanada."

Sanada wanted to scream. Yagyuu had just broken the rule -- he'd called him by name. Now there was nothing to stop daylight and the darkness from colliding. Now there would be no way for him to try and pretend that none of this was real --

His nightmares were starting to come true.

"I want to kill you," Sanada growled. Oh, how he wanted to put his hands around Yagyuu's neck, and strangle him until he choked out his last breath --

"So kill me." Yagyuu's invitation made Sanada shudder. How long would it be before Sanada could no longer resist?

"Why have you done this to me?" Sanada demanded.

"I didn't do anything," Yagyuu replied. "You're the one who wants to hurt me. You're the one who came into my house one night and killed my family so that you could take me away. If you want to play, let's play; otherwise, get it over with."

Sanada shook his head. He hadn't done any of those things, no, he hadn't --

Except in his nightmares.

"Genichirou…"

Sanada turned bloodshot eyes to try and see Yanagi standing next to him.

"You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up."

Who would care if he died, anyway? If they knew all the things he'd done, then they would know that he was worthless, anyway.

"I hear that Yagyuu's in the hospital," Yanagi continued. "Apparently he had another little accident."

"Hn." Sanada tried to look concerned -- as he should, because Yagyuu was a member of the tennis team, after all. He didn't want Yanagi to know that it was his fault that Yagyuu was in there, that everything was his fault, and that it was impossible for him to go insane because he had already past that poitn --

"I think we should go to visit him."

"No," Sanada said.

Yanagi seemed startled. Sanada didn't care; even if it was a slip in his cover, he didn't care.

"I'll see him when he gets out," Sanada explained, and then he left Yanagi to wonder --

What the hell was going on?

"I didn't kill you last time; I'll kill you this time."

"I'm glad to hear you say it."

"Why do you want this so badly?"

"I like to see you suffer. No matter how hard you try, you can't kill me; no matter how many other people you kill, you'll never get me. You're going to suffer with insanity forever, and I'll always be laughing at you."

"I'll kill you, this time."


End file.
